My Journey to Body Positivity

Body positivity and body love have been terms floating around for awhile now. It’s everyone’s goal: to be happy in their own skin. The people telling us to love our bodies such as brands, celebrities, and empowerment groups, make it sound so easy. The truth is, loving your body is a lifelong journey with a lot of ups and downs.

I’d say I’m 90% happy with my body. I don’t hate my body or think it’s ugly or any of those terribly negative things, but I’m constantly critiquing myself in the mirror and finding things I need to change. Some things I can’t even help. Our bodies change on a daily basis, and we can’t be angry that some days we look more bloated than others. I’ve struggled with body image for a long time, but I’ve never been very vocal about it. My mindset is “fake it til’ you make it”, and by faking it I looked a lot more confident than I was.

The Preface

In high school I was a consistent 115 pounds. I was a twig with a fast metabolism, small appetite, and no workout routine. Sure, I was skinny, but I wasn’t “healthy.” I would eat pizza and french fries and not gain a pound. The idea of running made me want to crawl into bed, and the gym was too intimidating for me.

If you think this sounds like a dream come true, think again. As a result of being naturally skinny I got called anorexic. There were rumors I had an eating disorder. According to my classmates I was “too skinny.” If I had a dime for every time someone told me “go eat a sandwich” I’d be one rich lady. For a young impressionable girl those comments left me self conscious, and nervous that I wasn’t enough. 

It’s not that I was trying to maintain a certain weight, or was focused on being skinny. It was literally how my body was created and I had no control over it. I remember hating how my legs looked like toothpicks sticking out of my cheerleading uniform, while other girls had curves in theirs.

Flash forward to my freshman year of college. This was a rough year for me. I was battling my depression and anxiety more than ever and as a result started partying and eating a lot. I never had to workout to stay skinny, so I didn’t understand that in order to maintain my 00 size I had to hit the gym. The freshman 15 (or 20) hit me hard as a result of binge drinking and eating greasy pizza at 2:00 in the morning. The first time I bought a pair of size 2 jeans, I jumped up and down in the dressing room. While I was living so unhealthy, I was thrilled that I was finally getting meat on my bones and that I didn’t have a thigh gap. I wasn’t a toothpick anymore, and I didn’t care that I was gaining weight. 

Once freshman year was over, I realized the damage I had done to my body. It was summer and I didn’t like how I looked in a bathing suit. I didn’t like how round my face was in pictures. I started regretting every slice of pizza and glass of beer I had consumed when I was at school. But, everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that without living a seriously unhealthy lifestyle I never would’ve found my love for fitness.

My sophomore year I had to take a physical education class for school. I had never stepped foot in a gym, and all the machines were intimidating to me. My impression was that only buff guys went to the gym, and I didn’t want to be “muscular.” I started by walking on the treadmill for 30 minutes. In just a couple weeks the pounds started coming off. Then, I started to run for 10 minutes, then 15.

One day I had the gym to myself and decided to try to use some of the weight machines. Surprisingly, they weren’t as hard to use as I thought. I started looking forward to working out, and my workouts became longer and more intense. I gained confidence in that gym and that’s really where my health journey began.

My Journey – Then

My junior year of college I made my New Year’s Resolution to workout every day. I started by doing Jillian Michaels Ripped in 30 in my dorm room. This program got me in to shape FAST. I started seeing definition in my abs, and my arms, that had always been the skinniest part of me, were gaining definition as well. 

After that 4 week program I joined the Tone It Up community just in time for the Bikini Series. The summer between my junior and senior year I did TIU and went for walks and runs every day. I was staying at our cottage in Michigan for the summer, and was eating healthy food as well. This was the most toned and healthy I’ve ever been. In fact, I think this was the happiest I had ever been as well. 

My senior year, things got a little rocky. I turned 21, which made me want to go out more. I felt burnt out from the start of the school year due to 2 weeks of vigorous Resident Assistant training, and couldn’t catch up with a lot of things, working out being one of them.

During my senior year, I definitely lost all that tone from the year before. I went back to the state of not liking my body. I got back into a rut of going out and drinking on the weekends, and fueling with McDonald’s and pizza. In the midst of this repeated behavior I realized something. I’m in control of what I consume and what exercise I do. If I don’t like something about myself, I need to do something to change it. The hard part isn’t the workouts, it’s the mindset. It’s telling yourself that you’re beautiful at any weight, and telling yourself you’re deserving of a healthy and happy life. 

My Journey – Now

Now that I’ve graduated and am living on my own I’m gradually getting back into my super healthy lifestyle. There are days where I kick myself for quitting, and other days I’m completely happy with where I’m at. My half marathon training has definitely put me in the mindset to be as healthy as possible. Completing this 1/2 is definitely a short term goal, but I’m using this training as part of my long term goal: getting back to loving fitness. I’ll rest on days when my body needs rest, but when my mind says “I don’t want to” that’s when I’m going to break barriers and crush a workout anyway. 

Something amazing happened to me the other day. I’m obsessed with the idea of having a flat stomach with defined abs. There’s something so powerful to me about having divots in my stomach. I was so focused on that one area of my body that I wasn’t even looking at the progress of the rest of me. As I was getting dressed to go to work I happened to walk by the mirror to grab my jeans. I looked in the mirror, and for the first time in over a year I was happy with the size of my thighs. Seeing this made me thank myself for starting my fitness journey again. The truth is, I know that I would be beautiful at any size, but at this point in my life I don’t want to fake confidence anymore. 

I’m not sharing this for applause or for compliments. I’m sharing this in hopes that my story inspires you to love your body, no matter what stage you’re at, because LIV-ing well doesn’t just happen over night. It’s a lifelong relationship with yourself, and it’ll take a few years to get it right and find the balance. At the end of the day, I want you to look in the mirror and tell yourself you are beautiful. I want you to do something every day that makes you feel confident; do something every day that makes you love your body.